We Are Never Alone
As I sat on the floor, alone in the darkness of my bedroom, on the floor because that was where I ended up after jumping out of bed in a panic. I ran to the kitchen then to the living room, the bathroom, the kitchen again. Running from what? Running from the images popping up in front of my eyes. But, no matter where I ran, or how fast I ran. Those images that were there causing my heart to panic didn’t go away. The more I panicked the more I wanted to run. The more I ran the more I panicked. I sat down in exhaustion on the floor afraid of sleep. It was when I slept as a little girl that the monsters awoke in our house. They came up as the sun went down. I sat rocking my adult body, wondering why now, why would this be causing me so much pain and fear now? I desperately longed for someone to understand how I felt. Understand how I could make it stop. I panicked even more wondering if I would be stuck in that moment forever. Forever being in fear. Forever alone. When I looked up and on my bedroom wall was this picture of the Savior.
With my arms wrapped tightly around my knees that were pulled up to my chest I rocked myself, the longer I looked at that picture, (1) the more I could image his pain and suffering. The words, his words, quoted by the prophets seemed to wrap around me. Nephi puts it perfectly when he said, “… I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love” (2) I closed my eyes and imagined the power, his power, and his love encircling me about. With that image in mind I whispered to myself, ‘it’s ok to remember you are safe now.’ The rocking became slower, as my hearts beat softened. And I remembered a time when as a little girl I desperately needed to be held. I was terrified, alone, and it was dark. ‘It’s okay for those memories to come back, you are safe now Shawna.’ I repeated over and over in my mind, as I allowed the memories to just flow. As if the scared little girl in me was asking the adult I had become to help her feel safe. I looked to the Savior for help on that dark journey. He was crucified, he walked all our dark journeys and not just so we could be forgiven for our sins. But, for the first time in my life the fuller scope of the crucifixion came into view. He was crucified so he could take upon himself our cups (our burdens) upon himself when he prayed in the garden of Gethsemane, “… father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, done.” (3) The savoir kept his cup so later he could hold mine for me. I wasn’t alone on my journey he had felt what I felt, he had mourned like I had mourned, He understood and not only stood on my wall in a painting but stood before me as my brother, friend, and savior to offer me protection from the haunting memories of others bad choices. Confident in his love I was able to stand strong and face the memories. Look straight into the faces, places, and events from a time so long ago and decide to fight. I decided then to never allow the bad choices they made to control my life.
So I fought and for some reason they fought back on the side of my mother.
Another Excuse the Edmond police department gave to the FBI, my family,, and friends was…, they quoted my birth mother, “She was a disturbed young girl. None of it was real. She struggled with truth back then. Very difficult child. None of what she said was true.” But, unfortunately for them and my birth mother. There people around that would argue that statement. The years that the abuse was the most severe were 1976-78. One of those angels that would argue with my birth mother and will still stand against her, sent me these.
So you see, we are never really ever alone. There are angels all around you. On this side of the veil and the other. Waiting for you to ask for help and you shall receive it. Perhaps not in the timing we would want, but, exactly the timing that is best for us.
(1)Picture by Harry Anderson
(2) 2Nephi 1:15
(3) Luke 22:42
This is a great video about the savior None Were with Him. By Jeffery R. Holland https://youtu.be/4kcgnm02Aho